Richard Nicastro, PhD explores the impact of having an avoidant attachment style in relationships and why a deep emotional connection can feel so scary to some.
For those who have an avoidant attachment style, caring comes at a significant emotional cost.
“It’s always been hard for me to get close to people. I have this wall that goes up. Maybe it’s never completely down. I know it’s frustrated my wife. I’ve been accused of not feeling, of being distant, of not caring, of being afraid of intimacy…it’s just that…well, there’s this wall, it’s always been a part of me.” —Kiefer, age 39
Once you care deeply about someone, there is always the threat of loss. Loss and caring go hand-in-hand. When others become important to us, they have considerable power — power to uplift, power to sway, power to hurt. The emotionally avoidant anticipate that this power will lead to pain. A pain that may arise from clashing agendas, incompatibilities of desire and interest, pain for caring more than the other, a pain that may be reminiscent of earlier relational wounds.
For too many, the road to emotional intimacy is paved with potential danger.
For those of us who have learned to prioritize avoidance strategies,